it comes down to two things. me and you. i've come to the conclusion that its not my fault. that i have done nothing but coddle you and try to be everything that you could ever want me to be. event hough i've been tryign to be there for you and to be the person that you need me to be. u can't even tell me if u need me let alone want me. asking a person that they can come over if htey want, is not expressing a want at all. matter a fact it leaves the decision up to the person whom u are asking instead. i want to be wanted. even if we spend days apart i want to know that u want me. i cant say that i get that from u. instead if i'm not around u evey day i basically feel as though i dont exist in your world. its not as if you actually plan things for us to do. u pick up the calls from ur friends who want to smoke and play magic but not me. u will call them and see what they are up to but not me. so does that mean that u are in capeable of holding a conversation with me?or is it that i no longer interest you.

i'm going to take the latter position at the moment.

if i'm not wanted then why be a round. it old u before that i felt like u didn't want me or need me. u did nothing with that, u didn't address it or even comment on it. so yet again. i feel neglected. i just dont understand how this is so hard for you. u know that u are difficult and yet u refuse to calm that down at all. ur a jealous person who doesn't believe a word that i say. really helpful in a relationship. u make plans and try to execute them without giving me the slightest idea of the itinerary yet you get up set if they aren't exactly how you want them...not fair. at the same time u do the exact same thing to me and i let it go. inappropriate. step back from ur own perspective and try to see someone elses. try to understand that there is another problem that is waaaaaaaaaaaay bigger than me going to see the docter. u assume things and believe them to be true without ever asking me. so basically u upset urself. and everything that u have ever assumed has been wrong. frankly its been the exact opposite of how things really are. yet u continue to do it.

i dont understand it i never will. i might as well throw in the towel early b/c u aren't making any strides to fix a damn thing.

Today was supposed to be a good day. And it was, until it ended.

I've always been a strong person. ON who could speak up for herself and never let anything or anyone get in her way. I also used to have high self esteem and confidence no matter who I'm with. I dont get to say that anymore. Actually I can't say much of anything anymore.

I'm not sure if all people are capeable of change. I know that I am only because in the past I have. Living the life that was handed to me kind of gave me no choice. At the same time some people, most people arn't. Instead they anticipate you to change for them and they continue to do more of the same. OMG I need to dance, I need something of my own. Something thats not drinking and going out.

I shouldn't have to guess

Following in the footsteps of my nonexistent study partner of the day Adrina, I have created a blogger. For it was her procrastination tool that I will now adopt being that I've actually completed a bit of school work today.

In the past this has only become a rant and rave about the things that not only suck in life but exactly how they suck. This time a round it will be come a bit more balanced. A recap of both the good and the bad! A bit of balance if you will. With this, it may be completely possible to have that discourse that I've been looking for that hasn't necessarily been fulfilled by the people I call my friends. But thats another story.
As the infamous Mario would say....

Here we go!