things get semi better but they rarely change.

maybe its harderest b/c the rock that i've alwaays had has eluded e. maybe its harder b/c i would rather not deal with things than deal with them. maybe its harder b/c i choose to forget the things that he wants me to remember.

I'm not one to live in regret or live in the past. I see the mistakes that I've made and instead of wallowing in them I try not to make them again. I don't bring them up, I don't dwell...I move on. I had a choice a long time ago, it was between living in the past or going day to day towards the present. I chose the latter. I've never regretted that dicision but at the same time, many people can't understand someone who makes a decision like that in the circumstances that i was in. 

That decision saved my life and those around me. I've always believed that and I will stick by that decision until proven that it was wrong. 

its not fair, nothing is really fair...

A relationship between a Taurus and a Sagittarius isn't easy, that's for sure. You move slower than goal-oriented Sagittarius. In some cases, your no-nonsense personality can inject your Sagittarian lover with much-needed stability, practicality and focus. In many others, though, you end up looking like a big old party per who is dragging down your more adventurous partner. When you two hook up, the restless archer will either settle down for good, or get bored and point that arrow in the direction of bigger dreams and greener pastures instead.

Always second. Never first. Nerver a prority ony and after thought. Silent conversations. Hidden messages. Theres nothing that I can change.

the pursuit of unhappyness

I don't know how I end up end the same position twice a month. Every month I have to deal with a patch of unhappiness. I don't know how long its going to last or where its going. All i know is how it began.

How can someone ask you to tell them more things when all they do is turn it back upon you? What good does that do? It definitely doesn't make me want to tell you any thing. Matter a fact it makes me have to walk on eggshells around you all times. Meanwhile your enjoying life, so it seems, and I'm hurting on the inside. I'm just not happy. I don't know how to be. Two days ago you disappeared. But I guess my concern didn't phase you, b/c you did it again. How is it supposed to work when you do things like this. One day I'm going to be in an accident and you aren't going to be there. One day your going to wake up and realize how your pettiness has effected everything. how everything is more about you. Its only about me when u allow it to be.

I personally don't know how much longer I will be able to deal with this. I don't have hobbies I only have two friends. yet your hobbies come before me and I've allowed that b/c everyone needs something to keep them occupied. But their frequency has increased, immensely. As of now Mondays are taken up as well as Tuesdays. Fridays are out as well. So now its at your Discretion.... If you ever felt that way before, tell me what were the circumstances? School? I tried to include you and you threw what I said in my face. So whats the point. Make me want you enough so you can throw what I say in my face. Use my words against me?

or is it something else? What is it really is it some one ore some thing else?

I pump my relationship as if it were exactly what I want when in actuality its pretty far from it. I want someone who cares when I've had a bad day and tries to do something about it. Asks me about my day and actually cares. Wants to know whats really going on. Surprises me every now and again b/c he thinks about me that much. Picks up the phone when I call. Actually listens, doesn't smoke. etc. basically does the same things for me that i do for him.

Thats all.

But it will never happen.

right now i'm in the position where i'm too deep to say no. too deep to turn back. i also expect too much to give up. i rather have the one being quitted than actually quit.